I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
