I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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