I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
