I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize