I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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