you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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