I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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