So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
50% drunk capacity currently
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
