im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
