You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
