I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Is it penis luge time yet?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize