Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
