shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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