If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
