Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
