he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
