I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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