Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
