I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
