its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize