I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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