i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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