i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
