apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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