She is in my trunk
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize