you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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