Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Less talking, more tequila
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
