I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
