I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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