Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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