she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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