You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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