Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
