New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
