On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Pappa wants mamma naked
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
