I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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