She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
3 2 1 whiskey
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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