He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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