I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
