Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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