What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
