erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
