I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
