I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
