nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
