god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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