I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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