Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
