i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
