awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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