Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
