Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
