My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
