She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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